I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I don't deserve a penis
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
