If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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