Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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