So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
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My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
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you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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