Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
