she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
