I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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