roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
