yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
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In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
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I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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