You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
