A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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