Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
