Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
