Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
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Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
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I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?