omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
