Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
