I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
