I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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