i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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