I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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