I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
