The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
