they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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