it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The feeling are messing with the penis
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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