Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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