you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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