I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
