You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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