and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
