so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
