This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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