Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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