I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
