So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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