on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
