i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
