the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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