I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
