hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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