This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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