I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
