i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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