Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
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I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
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Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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