i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
