there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
