I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
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he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
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I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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