She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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