I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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