I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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