I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
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I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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