wat bout pragnant strippers??
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
