I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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