I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
