I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He felt like a one man threesome
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
