...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
