So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
