You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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