there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize